That constant disparity. How you think and how you act, against how you're told and pressured to be and act. My natural personality is one way, the attitudes I hold against things are formed based on how I react in life. I guess they're not necessarily wrong... they're just a tendency or affinity toward certain things. It's like trying to be someone you're not. I just want to do me, not having to be pressured to be someone I'm not, or do things that aren't in line with my personality and way of doing things.
And what is it that causes me to be so attracted to good fashion? And similarly, good aesthetics, and even the female form? It's one of those things that's not quite "wrong", but can go either way. Some people choose to join the party scene and go clubbing, and that's their desire and outlet. Some people like to dance, and are good at it and enjoy it.
I want to dance. I like it, and it looks fun and interesting. Plus it opens up more paths in life, namely my wedding, being able to dance somewhat at parties if I so choose, or just to be able to dance and be romantic when I have a girlfriend, or get married.
But I'm not good at it. As much as I like to watch people dance in MV's online, on TV, or in person at performances, that's just not who I am. I'm wondering if that's a static part of my self, or if it's something that I can feasibly and potentially achieve in life. That'd be great. But it'd be another huge goal to add onto my life long-term, and I've already taken up music as a huge goal, working out, and certainly academic success. To have dance as a part of that means investing and committing time and effort that I just don't have right now in life, and it's not something I can see myself doing realistically anytime soon. Though, on the flip side, someone has said to me that they felt like I would be into dance, that it's just my "kind of thing". That's a big encouragement to me, just to be told by a friend that dance could be something I could achieve.
I want to get big. I've been working out semi-consistently throughout college, and this year, since it's my last year in college, I've decided I want to be more dedicated and be more serious about working out than ever before. I got sick of looking thin and not fit and as big as I want. So I'm trying. But it seems to be slower than I want, even though I'm trying pretty hard every time. I want to be the best I can be, to push myself all the way, every time, so I can reap the benefits maximally. Danny expects more out of me, and so do I. I should be able to do higher weights, and even the weights I've currently been doing. But for some reason, I'm not able to do it. It's not mind over matter; if my muscles are at a certain point of exhaustion and use, I can't make them work any harder than they allow me to. And that pisses me off, that what I want, and what I can do, don't align.
And of course, it'll still take time for my thinking and desires to change in terms of what I want regarding girls. That's not even as bad... it's just been there for a long time.
Who do you want to be? Who are you expected to be? How much of a disparity exists between those two? How possible do you think it is to resolve that disparity?
No comments:
Post a Comment