I feel like my college career is semi-wasted, in the sense that I could have lived a better 4 years, in which I could look back on when I'm 30+ and say that I did the best I could and had the maximum amount of fun. Actually that isn't untrue... but I wish I could have taken advantage of more social situations/opportunities. I feel like I've spent college relatively lonely.
I've always known a good amount of people, and I always had people to keep me going through college, but I don't feel like I've lived that to the fullest. I can only think of a few people to call my closest friends from school, and that's not even easy to do, which is an indication of a problem. Have I actually become socially impaired? I'm such a social person, but I guess only around those that I already know, friends of those people, or if I'm in a very low-risk situation. I'm afraid of initiating things or making moves because I'm afraid of rejection etc. I'm afraid to be the first to say "hi", stretch out my hand to give a handshake, or create and extend an invitation to grab food sometime. I have a bunch of people who I want to have lunch with, or want to have lunch with me. But I still haven't fulfilled those requests/desires, partly because I have a lot of work and readings to catch up on... but is that just an excuse I keep telling myself? I don't actually make myself do that work and read those pages, yet I still don't go out with people.
At the same time, I don't ever have the guts or confidence to talk to girls or make moves, because I know that I won't be able to pursue them in a serious relationship anyway. I've been taught to pursue girls only with the intention of marriage, and that's obviously not gonna happen in these situations. In my sociology class, we learned that the 4 years of college are the prime years of anyone's life where you are surrounded by so many other people who are so similar to you: similar age, interests, looks, goals, etc. It's also the prime time for you to meet people of the opposite gender and have a lot of sex; they don't call it the "best four years of your life" for nothing. I've heard studies that provide statistics saying that contrary to popular belief, people don't have as much sex as you may think, or as much as people may claim. I find that hard to believe, and even if it is true, I'm still not a part of that demographic.
As a Christian, I'm supposed to be set apart, not being a part of this culture and it's ways etc. I've accepted that I'm not looking to have sex before marriage, but at the same time, I can't help but feel like my life is lacking something major, especially since I'm in college in this prime time of meeting people and socializing and having fun. I want to have fun too. It's not even about sex; what about just any kind of relationship? I'm pretty sure that isn't out of my range or capability.
At the same time as all of this, I know that God has his plan for me and this is all according to plan. Honestly, if I had a girlfriend during school, I don't know how I would have time for anything else. I can't balance all that. But the fact that I never really got those kinds of opportunities, or that I never took the initiative to make those opportunities happen. I guess I'm being kept really safe by not being exposed to these things.
Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?
Monday, October 3, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
The constant struggle between who you want to be, and who you are expected to be.
That constant disparity. How you think and how you act, against how you're told and pressured to be and act. My natural personality is one way, the attitudes I hold against things are formed based on how I react in life. I guess they're not necessarily wrong... they're just a tendency or affinity toward certain things. It's like trying to be someone you're not. I just want to do me, not having to be pressured to be someone I'm not, or do things that aren't in line with my personality and way of doing things.
And what is it that causes me to be so attracted to good fashion? And similarly, good aesthetics, and even the female form? It's one of those things that's not quite "wrong", but can go either way. Some people choose to join the party scene and go clubbing, and that's their desire and outlet. Some people like to dance, and are good at it and enjoy it.
I want to dance. I like it, and it looks fun and interesting. Plus it opens up more paths in life, namely my wedding, being able to dance somewhat at parties if I so choose, or just to be able to dance and be romantic when I have a girlfriend, or get married.
But I'm not good at it. As much as I like to watch people dance in MV's online, on TV, or in person at performances, that's just not who I am. I'm wondering if that's a static part of my self, or if it's something that I can feasibly and potentially achieve in life. That'd be great. But it'd be another huge goal to add onto my life long-term, and I've already taken up music as a huge goal, working out, and certainly academic success. To have dance as a part of that means investing and committing time and effort that I just don't have right now in life, and it's not something I can see myself doing realistically anytime soon. Though, on the flip side, someone has said to me that they felt like I would be into dance, that it's just my "kind of thing". That's a big encouragement to me, just to be told by a friend that dance could be something I could achieve.
I want to get big. I've been working out semi-consistently throughout college, and this year, since it's my last year in college, I've decided I want to be more dedicated and be more serious about working out than ever before. I got sick of looking thin and not fit and as big as I want. So I'm trying. But it seems to be slower than I want, even though I'm trying pretty hard every time. I want to be the best I can be, to push myself all the way, every time, so I can reap the benefits maximally. Danny expects more out of me, and so do I. I should be able to do higher weights, and even the weights I've currently been doing. But for some reason, I'm not able to do it. It's not mind over matter; if my muscles are at a certain point of exhaustion and use, I can't make them work any harder than they allow me to. And that pisses me off, that what I want, and what I can do, don't align.
And of course, it'll still take time for my thinking and desires to change in terms of what I want regarding girls. That's not even as bad... it's just been there for a long time.
Who do you want to be? Who are you expected to be? How much of a disparity exists between those two? How possible do you think it is to resolve that disparity?
And what is it that causes me to be so attracted to good fashion? And similarly, good aesthetics, and even the female form? It's one of those things that's not quite "wrong", but can go either way. Some people choose to join the party scene and go clubbing, and that's their desire and outlet. Some people like to dance, and are good at it and enjoy it.
I want to dance. I like it, and it looks fun and interesting. Plus it opens up more paths in life, namely my wedding, being able to dance somewhat at parties if I so choose, or just to be able to dance and be romantic when I have a girlfriend, or get married.
But I'm not good at it. As much as I like to watch people dance in MV's online, on TV, or in person at performances, that's just not who I am. I'm wondering if that's a static part of my self, or if it's something that I can feasibly and potentially achieve in life. That'd be great. But it'd be another huge goal to add onto my life long-term, and I've already taken up music as a huge goal, working out, and certainly academic success. To have dance as a part of that means investing and committing time and effort that I just don't have right now in life, and it's not something I can see myself doing realistically anytime soon. Though, on the flip side, someone has said to me that they felt like I would be into dance, that it's just my "kind of thing". That's a big encouragement to me, just to be told by a friend that dance could be something I could achieve.
I want to get big. I've been working out semi-consistently throughout college, and this year, since it's my last year in college, I've decided I want to be more dedicated and be more serious about working out than ever before. I got sick of looking thin and not fit and as big as I want. So I'm trying. But it seems to be slower than I want, even though I'm trying pretty hard every time. I want to be the best I can be, to push myself all the way, every time, so I can reap the benefits maximally. Danny expects more out of me, and so do I. I should be able to do higher weights, and even the weights I've currently been doing. But for some reason, I'm not able to do it. It's not mind over matter; if my muscles are at a certain point of exhaustion and use, I can't make them work any harder than they allow me to. And that pisses me off, that what I want, and what I can do, don't align.
And of course, it'll still take time for my thinking and desires to change in terms of what I want regarding girls. That's not even as bad... it's just been there for a long time.
Who do you want to be? Who are you expected to be? How much of a disparity exists between those two? How possible do you think it is to resolve that disparity?
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Cultural traditions.
Recently, I've been noticing some phenomenon that happen in our daily lives that often become mundane activities that everyone does, but that have much more depth to them once you stop and reflect on it. These suddenly stand out to me.
One of these is waiting for the bus. Most of the time, I'm the one waiting for the bus, so I'm the one fulfilling that role. But it's not often that I pay attention to other people waiting for the bus, while I'm on the bus itself. I realized this when through the bus window, I see a person standing at the bus stop, patiently waiting for it's arrival, but having to wait due to a red light. I'm sitting on this bus that's stopped at a red light 20 ft away from the passenger waiting, and there now exists this semi-awkward waiting period, where you know the bus is right there. It's so close, yet so far away, almost as if there is a connection that exists now between the bus and this passenger. And at the same time, a question begs to be asked: "Will the bus driver stop for the waiting passenger?" Due to many reasons, the answer to that question would be no. The bus could be full; the driver could be having a bad day; it might be a Limited bus that doesn't stop there. This all just adds to the tension that's created in that minute of the red light status.
Another example is seeing freshmen move in and go through orientation. This is something that I've already been through myself, so I'm able to relate to them and their experiences. But at the same time, I know I'm in a different situation in life now, and I can look at them and laugh a little bit because it's cute to see them be so innocent and new and lost. The experience of parents sending their high school graduate off to college, the child that they have invested so much in and have had to take care of for 18 years.
Watching through my window on the 3rd floor, I can clearly see the back door of my building where a constant stream of cars and vans are parked to unload their child and his/her college junk. Parents sacrificing themselves and their health just to make sure all their child's heavy boxes and mini-fridges and other useless stuff can get up to their room safely, and be neatly stowed away in the semi-adequate dressers and closets that the University provides to students. All because of their mixture of unconditional love, desire for their child's wellbeing in hopes of their success, and their feelings of unease and uncertainty of letting their child go to be independent and live on their own in a completely new environment. So of course the parents want to inspect their dormitories and their rooms to see what kind of a secure, weather-proof and insulated four walls their beloved offspring will be hopefully surviving and studying hard to be successful.
It's just very interesting to observe these types of events that happen on a very frequent basis that we often overlook, or treat as just "another one of those things". Take a look around you, and observe the things that happen in your daily life, and let it speak to you.
One of these is waiting for the bus. Most of the time, I'm the one waiting for the bus, so I'm the one fulfilling that role. But it's not often that I pay attention to other people waiting for the bus, while I'm on the bus itself. I realized this when through the bus window, I see a person standing at the bus stop, patiently waiting for it's arrival, but having to wait due to a red light. I'm sitting on this bus that's stopped at a red light 20 ft away from the passenger waiting, and there now exists this semi-awkward waiting period, where you know the bus is right there. It's so close, yet so far away, almost as if there is a connection that exists now between the bus and this passenger. And at the same time, a question begs to be asked: "Will the bus driver stop for the waiting passenger?" Due to many reasons, the answer to that question would be no. The bus could be full; the driver could be having a bad day; it might be a Limited bus that doesn't stop there. This all just adds to the tension that's created in that minute of the red light status.
Another example is seeing freshmen move in and go through orientation. This is something that I've already been through myself, so I'm able to relate to them and their experiences. But at the same time, I know I'm in a different situation in life now, and I can look at them and laugh a little bit because it's cute to see them be so innocent and new and lost. The experience of parents sending their high school graduate off to college, the child that they have invested so much in and have had to take care of for 18 years.
Watching through my window on the 3rd floor, I can clearly see the back door of my building where a constant stream of cars and vans are parked to unload their child and his/her college junk. Parents sacrificing themselves and their health just to make sure all their child's heavy boxes and mini-fridges and other useless stuff can get up to their room safely, and be neatly stowed away in the semi-adequate dressers and closets that the University provides to students. All because of their mixture of unconditional love, desire for their child's wellbeing in hopes of their success, and their feelings of unease and uncertainty of letting their child go to be independent and live on their own in a completely new environment. So of course the parents want to inspect their dormitories and their rooms to see what kind of a secure, weather-proof and insulated four walls their beloved offspring will be hopefully surviving and studying hard to be successful.
It's just very interesting to observe these types of events that happen on a very frequent basis that we often overlook, or treat as just "another one of those things". Take a look around you, and observe the things that happen in your daily life, and let it speak to you.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
the joys and frustrations of being a sound tech.
is there any possible way to account for all of the people that use equipment in this church? to be quite honest, i don't think so. with the vast amount of people that interact with equipment in this church, it's too much of an endeavor to try to make sure each person is following the preset format of doing things. of course, there's a reason for everything that exists. rules and procedures are preset for a reason, to make sure that certain things are used for that specific purpose, in a safe and proper way, and to protect the quality and health of the product. holding group trainings can only do so much, and can only go so far. just because i explain how things work and should be handled does not guarantee that the multitude of listeners will first of all remember all of it, and secondly actually put it into practice when they next interact with equipment. i wish there was a way for me to shadow each person who touches a piece of equipment to ensure that it's being handled safely and correctly, but of course, that's not possible by any means. i'm not around most of the school year, and even the times that i am here, i have my own things going on that i need to do, or be at, and can't be with other groups all the time.
i think the only way for true growth to happen is if the individual personally cares about what they're doing, and makes an effort to learn more and experience more in that area or craft. a soundperson who truly wants to learn their craft is probably already engaged in what they're doing, and takes steps to learn more about it. i only wish that there would be more people who care that much.
i was offered a soundperson position for a wedding that's happening this saturday, and i accepted simply because of the need, and i also thought it would be fun. it's always fun to do weddings, and you also get to experience the wonderful experience that is the holy matrimony of two people in love. from a soundperson's perspective, it's super fun because there are so many aspects to the wedding, and so many facets to the sound mixing for the wedding band. for this wedding, we had 2 acoustic guitars, 2 electric guitars, 1 bass guitar, piano, drums and 3 vocals. it's always a welcome challenge for me to mix larger teams, and to make it run smoothly. it requires me to carefully think about what equipment is available for the situation, and what channels are open, and then being able to execute it and setup all the cables and gear to fit that model i created in my head. it gives me joy and pride to make things happen like that, knowing that everything is accounted for and is functioning properly and smoothly. it's my hope and desire for the current soundpeople and youth to have the same joy and pride in the work they're doing, and not just be comfortable or complacent.
it has been my lifelong dream (and still is) for there to be an increase in number of people with willing hearts to serve, specifically in sound ministry and presentation ministry. in recent years, that has slowly been coming more and more true. there have been more and more young people stepping up to help out with sound and presentation, for which i'm very thankful and happy to know. whether they were appointed or self-appointed, i do not know (but of course, i hope it is the latter), but at least their hands are there to serve. but it's hard for me to see great desire in learning in any of them yet. "yet" is a hopeful word.
it's hard for QHC to do big events, like retreats, or even weddings, because there is simply just not enough people to run sound at these events. i can't always be the one to run these types of gigs, and there needs to be other people who can handle big events with complex setups like that. Aaron Lim has been steadily improving and showing that he is responsible and caring, and it makes me a little more at ease to know that there is someone i can defer to when i'm not around. i'm very thankful for him, what he does, and what he's willing to do.
if only people understood the full extent of what being a soundperson really is like. there are tons of magazines and nationwide annual conferences dedicated to sound equipment and sound mixing training. take a look at the kinds of setups that live concert venues work with, and how much more elaborate and complex their systems are. the magnitude of that always blows my mind, how traveling sound technicians have to setup their monster rigs every day, and mix together dozens of channels of vocals, instruments, and effects. knowing how to master all of that is real skill. what we do with a 32-channel mixer, two guitars and vocals is small potatoes compared to the stuff that is out there. but because i know the professionalism that exists out there in the industry, i try to take that for myself and incorporate it into the way i mix and the way i setup. because people out there make money off of their work doing stuff like this. i just do it out of love and service, and the small joy that i get knowing that others are able to experience musical worship, a sermon, or just live music that's pleasing to the ears because of what i can contribute.
i think the only way for true growth to happen is if the individual personally cares about what they're doing, and makes an effort to learn more and experience more in that area or craft. a soundperson who truly wants to learn their craft is probably already engaged in what they're doing, and takes steps to learn more about it. i only wish that there would be more people who care that much.
i was offered a soundperson position for a wedding that's happening this saturday, and i accepted simply because of the need, and i also thought it would be fun. it's always fun to do weddings, and you also get to experience the wonderful experience that is the holy matrimony of two people in love. from a soundperson's perspective, it's super fun because there are so many aspects to the wedding, and so many facets to the sound mixing for the wedding band. for this wedding, we had 2 acoustic guitars, 2 electric guitars, 1 bass guitar, piano, drums and 3 vocals. it's always a welcome challenge for me to mix larger teams, and to make it run smoothly. it requires me to carefully think about what equipment is available for the situation, and what channels are open, and then being able to execute it and setup all the cables and gear to fit that model i created in my head. it gives me joy and pride to make things happen like that, knowing that everything is accounted for and is functioning properly and smoothly. it's my hope and desire for the current soundpeople and youth to have the same joy and pride in the work they're doing, and not just be comfortable or complacent.
it has been my lifelong dream (and still is) for there to be an increase in number of people with willing hearts to serve, specifically in sound ministry and presentation ministry. in recent years, that has slowly been coming more and more true. there have been more and more young people stepping up to help out with sound and presentation, for which i'm very thankful and happy to know. whether they were appointed or self-appointed, i do not know (but of course, i hope it is the latter), but at least their hands are there to serve. but it's hard for me to see great desire in learning in any of them yet. "yet" is a hopeful word.
it's hard for QHC to do big events, like retreats, or even weddings, because there is simply just not enough people to run sound at these events. i can't always be the one to run these types of gigs, and there needs to be other people who can handle big events with complex setups like that. Aaron Lim has been steadily improving and showing that he is responsible and caring, and it makes me a little more at ease to know that there is someone i can defer to when i'm not around. i'm very thankful for him, what he does, and what he's willing to do.
if only people understood the full extent of what being a soundperson really is like. there are tons of magazines and nationwide annual conferences dedicated to sound equipment and sound mixing training. take a look at the kinds of setups that live concert venues work with, and how much more elaborate and complex their systems are. the magnitude of that always blows my mind, how traveling sound technicians have to setup their monster rigs every day, and mix together dozens of channels of vocals, instruments, and effects. knowing how to master all of that is real skill. what we do with a 32-channel mixer, two guitars and vocals is small potatoes compared to the stuff that is out there. but because i know the professionalism that exists out there in the industry, i try to take that for myself and incorporate it into the way i mix and the way i setup. because people out there make money off of their work doing stuff like this. i just do it out of love and service, and the small joy that i get knowing that others are able to experience musical worship, a sermon, or just live music that's pleasing to the ears because of what i can contribute.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
how disappointing.
My parents and I decided to go to Tea Shop 168 on Utopia today for lunch. We were originally reluctant to go there because we pretty much knew that chances were, there would be a mass of high school kids from Francis Lewis hanging out inside, and that's not a very peaceful environment to be eating your lunch in. Luckily, it was a pretty quiet day inside, so we ordered and sat down to eat. I'm almost done eating my baked Portuguese chicken over rice when a bunch of high school kids appear and start loitering in front of the restaurant. They're looking in through the glass, and I can tell that they're obviously wanting to hang out inside, but since all the tables were taken, they couldn't.
A few minutes later, the table in front of us gets up to leave, and four of the high school kids outside come in to sit down. As soon as they come in, a wave of commotion and restlessness comes with them. And suddenly, the restaurant is in a state of unease. Why? Because of all the boisterous talk and snickering coming out of their mouths being directed at the girls about having sex. Not to mention the two guys cacophonously insulting the two girls at the table, hitting them on the head, grabbing their hair and pushing them down to the tabletop, and threatening them with a fist raised and a sly grin, as if it's nothing. I guess you could call it joking from their perspective, but I think it crosses the line when any guy can have so little respect for himself and for others that he would dare to hit a girl. Coupled with the kind of vulgar language being used and disrespect for their surroundings and the other restaurant patrons, any respect I had previously had for high schoolers suddenly went down the drain. I know there must be decent high schoolers who actually possess morals and some sense, and I really do and want to believe that not all high schoolers are like this. But it's just so sad and disheartening to see the current state of our youth today.
"Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving." -Ephesians 5:4
A few minutes later, the table in front of us gets up to leave, and four of the high school kids outside come in to sit down. As soon as they come in, a wave of commotion and restlessness comes with them. And suddenly, the restaurant is in a state of unease. Why? Because of all the boisterous talk and snickering coming out of their mouths being directed at the girls about having sex. Not to mention the two guys cacophonously insulting the two girls at the table, hitting them on the head, grabbing their hair and pushing them down to the tabletop, and threatening them with a fist raised and a sly grin, as if it's nothing. I guess you could call it joking from their perspective, but I think it crosses the line when any guy can have so little respect for himself and for others that he would dare to hit a girl. Coupled with the kind of vulgar language being used and disrespect for their surroundings and the other restaurant patrons, any respect I had previously had for high schoolers suddenly went down the drain. I know there must be decent high schoolers who actually possess morals and some sense, and I really do and want to believe that not all high schoolers are like this. But it's just so sad and disheartening to see the current state of our youth today.
"Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving." -Ephesians 5:4
Monday, August 8, 2011
time goes by so fast.
i used to be really close to this girl named Nancy, and she became my little sister. it's kind of funny cuz it was all AIM based, and we never actually ever met in person. but it was a pretty significant part of my life. i was 15, and it was 2005. now i'm trying to dig up those long conversations we had, in an attempt to recover those moments, and to piece together what that portion of my life was like. time goes by so fast, and memories so easily fade. really have to cherish every moment in life, and take every opportunity so as to not have regrets. how is it that we can be so close to someone, and become so distant in just a short manner of time? it's sad.
what do you really enjoy?
wouldn't it be great if the world was a place where people could study what they truly enjoy, and be able to pursue the passions and professions that they actually want to have? all instead of going through the system and taking classes to achieve a number, which dictates your degree of efficiency and success.
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