I feel like my college career is semi-wasted, in the sense that I could have lived a better 4 years, in which I could look back on when I'm 30+ and say that I did the best I could and had the maximum amount of fun. Actually that isn't untrue... but I wish I could have taken advantage of more social situations/opportunities. I feel like I've spent college relatively lonely.
I've always known a good amount of people, and I always had people to keep me going through college, but I don't feel like I've lived that to the fullest. I can only think of a few people to call my closest friends from school, and that's not even easy to do, which is an indication of a problem. Have I actually become socially impaired? I'm such a social person, but I guess only around those that I already know, friends of those people, or if I'm in a very low-risk situation. I'm afraid of initiating things or making moves because I'm afraid of rejection etc. I'm afraid to be the first to say "hi", stretch out my hand to give a handshake, or create and extend an invitation to grab food sometime. I have a bunch of people who I want to have lunch with, or want to have lunch with me. But I still haven't fulfilled those requests/desires, partly because I have a lot of work and readings to catch up on... but is that just an excuse I keep telling myself? I don't actually make myself do that work and read those pages, yet I still don't go out with people.
At the same time, I don't ever have the guts or confidence to talk to girls or make moves, because I know that I won't be able to pursue them in a serious relationship anyway. I've been taught to pursue girls only with the intention of marriage, and that's obviously not gonna happen in these situations. In my sociology class, we learned that the 4 years of college are the prime years of anyone's life where you are surrounded by so many other people who are so similar to you: similar age, interests, looks, goals, etc. It's also the prime time for you to meet people of the opposite gender and have a lot of sex; they don't call it the "best four years of your life" for nothing. I've heard studies that provide statistics saying that contrary to popular belief, people don't have as much sex as you may think, or as much as people may claim. I find that hard to believe, and even if it is true, I'm still not a part of that demographic.
As a Christian, I'm supposed to be set apart, not being a part of this culture and it's ways etc. I've accepted that I'm not looking to have sex before marriage, but at the same time, I can't help but feel like my life is lacking something major, especially since I'm in college in this prime time of meeting people and socializing and having fun. I want to have fun too. It's not even about sex; what about just any kind of relationship? I'm pretty sure that isn't out of my range or capability.
At the same time as all of this, I know that God has his plan for me and this is all according to plan. Honestly, if I had a girlfriend during school, I don't know how I would have time for anything else. I can't balance all that. But the fact that I never really got those kinds of opportunities, or that I never took the initiative to make those opportunities happen. I guess I'm being kept really safe by not being exposed to these things.
Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?
